1. If you sit still, it will be over faster.
Look, giving you guys baths isn't easy or fun for me, either, but it's something we must both suffer through occasionally. Thrashing around won't help anything, and it's more likely to get lather and water accidentally splashed into your eyes, which I know just makes things worse. Furthermore, I know our human water magic must be mystifying to you, but you need to figure out that, if I'm wetting your fur down with my magic limitless water device, shaking yourself every two seconds isn't going to stop the onslaught of water, and it's not going to actually dry you at all. It's just going to get me drenched, and prolong the traumatic bathing process for you. Just sit still and the whole ordeal will be over soon. Plus, when we get to the lathering part, you'll get an all-over shampoo-massage. Do you know how rarely PEOPLE get to enjoy those?
This rule applies to nail trimming as well. I know you dogs tend to be neurotic about people touching your feet, much less attacking them with strange implements, but the kicking and struggling just makes it more likely that we'll cut the quick, causing you to bleed, and causing us to feel like the worst people in the universe.
2. Strangling yourself on the end of the leash will NOT make us walk any faster.
It does, however, make us look and feel like dog-abusing monsters. You know what, scratch this rule. I'm pretty sure the dogs know what they're doing here.
3. Learn the concept of "consequences."
We humans can tell right away when you've done something wrong. Yes, we're largely ignorant to doggy means of communication, but when we see tucked tails, folded ears and cowering going on, we know that you've done a Very Bad Thing. Why is it that you hellions know when you've done something terrible, but you don't ever seem to develop the foresight to realize that you shouldn't do it in the first place?
Now, finally -
4. For the most part, we humans are smarter than you are.
You seem to have figured out that our senses aren't as sharp as yours, and you've decided we must be morons because we give you shelter and food for free. Well, you're not entirely right. If you are going to do a Very Bad Thing right in front of us, doing it in slow steps won't fool us. We can see you inching towards our food on your belly, and we can see you delicately trying to sneak our undergarments out of the hamper. We may be morons, but we're not THAT stupid. Furthermore, if we hear a crashing sound, and then the sound of paws running from the scene, we're not going to believe that you were laying in your bed, out of breath, minding your own business the whole time. No matter how much you wag your tail.
And, last but not least - when you turn around and stare at your rear end, then lift your tail, sniff your butt and leave the room, you're not fooling anybody. I know we usually blame you anyway, but jeez! At least stay in here and ride out the miasma with everyone else.
Honestly, I really do think dogs are one of the best things to happen to the human species, but sheesh! In the thousands of years they've been our companions you'd think they'd have more things figured out.
Oh, and some constancy would be nice, too. These mutts act like my crotch is public property, but when I have to lather up the fur around their butts and thighs they usually give me this ashamed "oh god, not the bikini area" look. It makes me feel like a pervert.